Thursday, June 3, 2010

Twilight (2008) *

When I went to see the movie, I had no idea what it was about other than vampires. I have always been a fan of vampire movies and stories. The sexuality, the suspense, the blood, it all fascinated me. I once wrote a little piece on vampires, the history of the figure, and that sort of things. A vampire always expressed hidden desires, mostly sexual ones.

After I came out of the theatre, the only thing running through my head was; "What in the world was that?"

Let's start with a story. I'm not going to spoil the thing to anyone, by saying that it's about a girl, who moves in with her dead to the middle of nowhere - Washington state. She meet an old friend, a Native American named Jacob. He has the hots for her. Then she goes to school, and every boy, including the mysterious Edward Cullen has the hots for her. Kind of cliche. Okay, very cliche. It's so obvious he's a vampire, even without the trailer I would have figured it out. The big scene is supposed to be when he tells her what he is. First of all, when he runs up on top of a hill with her is probably the worst special effect I've ever seen. Then he has this big speech about how horrible he is when he's in the sun, and then it turns out that he ... sparkles. Now that was a let down. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The vampire baseball was ridiculous. The pace did pick up towards the end, but the fight scene was horrible. In the end, it was basically about nothing much, and I was so bored, I forgot half of the movie. I actually had to watch it a few months later again, because I thought I forgot half of the movie. I didn't.

Bella Swan, what can I say. I'm ashamed that she wears my name. She's a horrible character. Moody, never happy about anything, and utterly boring. There is nothing interesting about her, yet all the men are falling in love with her. Kristen Stewart doesn't put in any effort to breathe any life into the character. She has two expressions. One is that she's about to throw up, the other is that she's about to have an orgasm. I have seen her in other things as well, and that is really all. When she tries to smile, it's scary in a bad way.

Edward Cullen, the vampire. He's supposed to be the big romantic hero, but he's actually rather creepy. He watches her while she sleeps, tells her to stay away, yet keeps pursuing her. Robert Pattison doesn't help. I didn't like him much in Harry Potter. I didn't even remember that he played Cedric, that's how forgettable he is. I suppose some women may find him attractive, but big forehead and square head is not for me. He is also very boring, and lacks charisma.

This movie was supposed to be about vampires and romance. It failed on both. In spite of the two leading actors becoming a couple while filming, they completely lacked chemistry. They just both seemed bored. It didn't deliver on vampires either. There was no sexuality, suspense, and they didn't drink blood. My hidden desires don't include being stalked, and then getting sparkled at.

I have read the book. Why? Because it was a hype, and I wanted to know what it was about. I hoped that it would be better than the book. It wasn't. It was in fact worse, as it took longer, and I had to read Meyer's awful prose.

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